Lake Worth High students demand new mascot

Lake Worth FL - After years of ridicule from opposing teams and their fans, the student athletes and the student body in general is demanding the school drop its long time mascot, the Trojans. "Every game the football team plays, they catch all kinds of trash from opposing players. Why can't we just be something normal like the Lions or Eagles or Wildcats? Even the Banana Slugs would be an improvement," stated senior class president Craig Alonso at a rally to ditch the mascot yesterday. Principal Dr. Ian B. Saltzman responded "The Trojan mascot has served this school well for decades. I will not allow the immature taunts of opposing schools to force us to rid ourselves of [the mascot]. Go Trojans!"

G.I. Joe HQ moved to Belgium

BRUSSELS - The American special operations military force known as G.I Joe has moved its headquarters to Belgium within the past month. With a new HQ and training ground in Belgium, all current and future operations will be planned and originate from Europe.

The G.I Joe team has not officially stated the reason for the move, but many national security analysts believe a base in Europe instead of the US will improve the public image of the team. "The association with the US has given the G.I. Joe a bad reputation among newspaper editors and university professors around the world. With the new base, Joe's reputation should improve," stated Albert Oser, director of Defense Forum, a think tank in Washington.

Some close to the Joe team have other ideas on the reason for the move. G. I. Joe himself is known by his men to have a secret dislike for American beer, preferring Belgian beer instead. He has been heard cursing the poor taste of commercial American brews and sometimes has his favorite Belgian beer, Saison Dupont, brought to his office. With his office now in Belgium, Joe will have a wide selection of fresh Belgian brew.

Coach Threatens to Move Team if New Stadium Not Built

AKRON - University of Akron football coach JD Brookhart is threatening to move the team if a new stadium is not built. The team has played in the decrepit Rubber Bowl for decades and is disappointed it does not earn as much game day revenue as teams with flashier homes. Brookhart is demanding a new stadium from the university and the city of Akron.

The Zips would like to improve its national standing and are prepared to move to a new university if that is what it takes. The UA Zips are a NCAA division I team and play in the Mid America Conference, a non-BCS league. Brookhart has heard from several schools interested in hosting the team. He wants a new stadium with at least 30,000 seats, any plenty of revenue creating amenities like luxury boxes and gourmet concession stands.

Meanwhile, officials in Akron continue to react to Brookhart's demand. "Does he [Brookhart] think the city is made of money? They can leave for all I care. We will still have the Aeros [Akron's minor league baseball team]," Akron mayor Don Plusquellic commented yesterday by phone.

Entertainment Update

Real Men of Genius begins filming next month

The Real Men of Genius movie will start filming in mid September at Paramount Studios. Robert Zemeckis will direct, with Edward Norton as Mr. Jean Shorts Inventor, Ben Affleck as Mr. SUV Super Stretch Limo Maker, and Laurence Fishburne as Mr. Over Zealous Foul Ball Catcher. James Gandolfini will also appear as Mr. Doggy Day Spa Operator. Plot and Setting are as yet unknown. The expected release date is summer of 2008.

Underwater to be first title from Gore/Jenkins

The first book from the Al Gore and Jerry Jenkins collaboration will be titled Underwater. It will be the first in an expected 12 book series of end-of-the-world novels. Both men are busy writing and expect to finish soon.

Budweiser, Paramount Sign Movie Deal

ST. LOUIS - Anheuser-Busch and Paramount Pictures have agreed to work together to produce films based on AB's popular Budweiser and Bud Light advertisements. Anhueser- Busch, maker of Budweiser and Bud Light beers, will bring its characters and scenarios to Paramount, the country's oldest running studio.

Paramount representative Kevin Mayernick states "Bud is almost as well known for its iconic advertisements as it is for its beer. We love adapting existing media properties to the cinema because the pre-existing fan base provides a ready audience. I have noticed how revelers at my Super Bowl parties talk during the game but hush each other during the breaks to catch all the details of the Budweiser ads."

"We have a slew of ads in our portfolio that will make great sources for movies: the swamp frogs and their friends, the Wazzzzup guys, Real Men of Genius and, of course, the Clydesdale horses," states AB CEO August Busch IV. "The first film will be based on the Real Men of Genius ads. We do not have any plots, but we have great characters like Mister Jeans Shorts Inventor, Mister SUV Super Stretch Limo Maker and Mister Over Zealous Foul Ball Catcher. Throw these guys together and a fun movie will result."

Not all are pleased by this agreement. Noted film and culture critic Matthias Shapiro said "These productions should continue the downhill cultural slide. At one time, novels and stage plays were adapted for film. Then, we went to adaptations of television serials and comic books to adaptations of three minute Saturday Night Live skits, and now, to adaptations of 30 second TV ads."

Moore's Law Extended to Razors

SANTA CLARA, CA - Moore's law now applies to razors as well as transistors, Intel announced today. Gordon Moore originally asserted the number of transistors on an integrated circuit would double every two years. Now, the law also states the number of razor blades in a cartridge will double every two years.

Gillette introduced the first double bladed razor, the Trac II, in 1971. The triple bladed Mach 3 came along 27 years later, in 1998. Schick trumped Gillette in 2003 with its Quattro. The Fusion by Gillette (2006) then gave consumers a choice to move to a 5 bladed cartridge.

"We believe the razor wars will hurry development of ever-increasing numbers of blades. While it took three years to go from four to five, we fully expect to see a ten razor cartridge before the two year anniversary of the Fusion," stated Jim Miles, an Intel spokesman. It is widely believed nano technology will usher in blades invisible to the naked eye, allowing for a great increase in the number of blades.

Gore, Jenkins to Team Up for Novels

NEW YORK - Al Gore and Jerry Jenkins will collaborate on a series of novels which will tell of the coming destruction of Earth by environmental catastrophe. Viking Press will publish the books.

Mr. Gore, a former Vice President, has made a name for himself advocating environmental causes. He is featured in the movie An Inconvenient Truth which warned viewers of the dangers of man-made climate change. The film won an Oscar for Best Documentary earlier this year.

Mr. Jenkins co-wrote the Left Behind series of novels with Tim LaHaye. The Left Behind series included twelve books which gave a fictional telling of the end of the world from a Christian dispensationalist, premillennial position.

The two men are thought to be a great combination. "Jerry is a professional novelist with terrific sales numbers in the end-of-the-world fiction genre and Al is well known as an authority on climate change," said Brian Simpson, spokesman for Viking. "The combo of Jerry's plotting and Al's environmental knowledge will create very entertaining and informative reading."